


Farewell to Skirts and Doilies

by bagginshieldhappiness



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Bilbo isn't as enthused about the cuddling, Dwarves have a female warrior culture, F/F, Female Bilbo, Female Thorin, Female dwarves are tough but secretly love to cuddle, Femslash, Fluff, Gender or Sex Swap, Humor, Male dwarves are aromantic, The entire company is female, They especially want to cuddle Bilbo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-02-21
Packaged: 2018-03-14 09:49:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3406172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bagginshieldhappiness/pseuds/bagginshieldhappiness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dwarves have a female warrior culture and are matriarchal.<br/>Hobbits are, well, hobbits.</p><p>"The fact that they were all female had initially surprised the already shocked hobbit.  It wasn't the intricately styled and decorated beards, no.  Beards were just a foreign thing all around in the Shire.  Instead it was the lack of skirts.</p><p>Not a single one of her guests wore a skirt."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Farewell to Skirts and Doilies

**Author's Note:**

> This idea crept up on me and I had to pursue it. Please excuse any mistakes since it was written on a whim. And no, I haven't abandoned my other story. This just begged to be written!

Bilbo sighed contentedly as the last bite of her second morning meal was finished. Leaning back in her chair she slowly pushed the plate, which was now empty save a few lingering crumbs, an arm's-width away and simply basked in the ordinary pleasure of the moment.

The day was unremarkable, to be sure. She'd awoken with the sounds of morning blossoming as sunlight had brightened in the sky, leading to the usual bustle of activity as hobbits spilled from their front doors to greet the day with chatter.  Bilbo was a friendly hobbit, by all means, who enjoyed her share of conversation and hellos from the neighbors. However, she was also a solitary hobbit who lived rather happily alone, never mind that there was a great deal of gossip as to why a wealthy and now orphaned lady hobbit who was of age had so far shown little interest in starting a family.

Some whispered that it was because she was an only child, and naturally wasn't familiar with the dynamics of a busy family life. Others held the opinion that it was the deaths of her parents that had left an unhealed heart. It didn't end there. There was also the rumor that the daughter of Belladonna Took had inherited a rather unrespectable nature and wouldn't easily settle for a normal lifestyle.

Bilbo was aware of this gossip and firmly considered it a grand heap of rubbish. She didn't owe any overly nosy relative or neighbor an explanation for her decision to remain a bachelorette. And really, deep down, she wasn't sure she had a reason. She simply had never had much interest in hobbit lads or messy matters of the heart. She was sensible, after all, and much preferred a good book in her favorite chair over any of that romantic nonsense.

Her lifestyle also allowed a great deal of freedom, which was why she now found herself sitting outside leisurely in a yellow patterned skirt that matched the sun's beaming light, inhaling from her favorite pipe and feeling utterly relaxed. For such an ordinary day it felt quite extraordinary to her, as did many of her days.

That is, until a shadow loomed over from somewhere above her, cutting off the daylight and making her frown as she squinted up through a now botched smoke ring. Lady hobbits didn't often make smoke rings, at least not respectable lady hobbits. However, nobody was watching and what did it matter.

Except, there was a sudden problem. Someone _was_ watching her. A very odd looking someone with flowing, wispy, grey hair. In fact, everything about the odd fellow was grey. He was also very tall.  
He introduced himself as Gandalf and suddenly Bilbo felt a rush of memories return. Could it be, Gandalf the wizard who her mother was so fond of? He seemed harmless enough, looking thin and willowy.

  
Oh, how wrong Bilbo was.

 

 

Bilbo could scarcely believe that the morning had begun so normally when there was nothing normal in the least about the evening. Her home was overrun by a group of beings so strange and foreign that it made her pace in the backdrop of their loud voices and jarring mannerisms, the soft curls atop her head bouncing as anxiously as her own heartbeat with each light footstep.

Dwarves. Never in all her life had she expected a rowdy group of dwarves to overtake Bag End. The fact that they were all female had initially surprised the already shocked hobbit. It wasn't the intricately styled and decorated beards, no. Beards were just a foreign thing all around in the Shire. Instead it was the lack of skirts.  
Not a single one of her guests wore a skirt, which was very odd and confusing to begin with. Bilbo had been raised to believe a true lady wore skirts and not trousers.

But these dwarves were clearly travelers and drifters, their clothing as unsubtle and rough as their personalities.  They were so uncouth that the one named Kili had placed one of Bilbo's beloved doilies atop her head and pretended to swoon and giggle while the others laughed.

_Dwarves._

Upon arriving each one had assessed the hobbit in what Bilbo had to assume was their own unique way, though most didn't linger in the moment when the promise of raiding a stranger's larder was nearby. The last dwarf to arrive had been the only one to pause, startlingly blue eyes sweeping over the hobbit in a piercing way.

"She looks more like something to be cuddled on a cold night than a burglar."

 _Something to be cuddled_. Really?! Bilbo had scoffed and protested, even though she hadn't the faintest clue why she was being compared to a burglar in the first place. It was still an obvious insult.  
The noblest (and haughtiest, clearly) of the dwarves had simply raised an eyebrow in response to Bilbo's protests before turning to join the others. How rude! Did the dwarf think that just because she was strikingly good looking and graceful that she could just walk into anyone's house and insult them?

Not that Bilbo wanted to dwell on the good looking part.

The night continued to deteriorate as the hobbit's food vanished into the ravenous stomachs of dwarves and their intentions for showing up became clear. It didn't help that the wizard was obnoxiously calm during the entire ordeal, with a twinkle of amusement shining in his eyes the entire night.

By the time a contract was shoved into her hands she was quite overwhelmed, barely able to concentrate on skimming over the words. However, she did notice something at the bottom. It was scribbled hastily in handwriting that differed from the rest: _"The burglar agrees to be assigned as a cuddling partner as deemed necessary."_

"What does this mean?" she asked aloud. "A cuddling partner?" Bilbo glanced up to see that the others were already watching her. "Is this a joke?"  It had to have been Thorin's idea of being funny, since _she_ was the one who made that remark about _something to be cuddled_.  However, the leader of the dwarves hardly looked like the joking type.

"Sometimes we could use a snuggle," the one named Bofur piped up with a cheerful smile.  "Cold nights, long journey.."

"Aye," someone else agreed. Pretty soon there was murmuring of agreement all around.

"So it isn't a joke," Bilbo breathed out with a suffering sigh. They were actually serious. 

 

Of all the ridiculous things...

**Author's Note:**

> I really loathe repeating dialogue from the movies so I'm trying to avoid doing that here. 
> 
> I hope everyone enjoyed this so far.


End file.
